The Identity I Was Avoiding

And How it Held me Back in Life and Business

A concept I refer to often (and wrote about in the first chapter of my book), is the power of identity.

Our identity is the story we tell ourselves about ourselves, it’s our self-concept; essentially, who we believe ourselves to be. It’s not fixed, it’s flexible. And the key part, from my perspective, is that it’s the most powerful driving force in human behaviour. We will do anything to stay consistent with our identity, even if it means bypassing our values.

I found this to be true in my mental health journey, realising how identified I had become with ‘being’ depressed, anxious, and bulimic. Almost wearing the labels like a name-tag, my behaviour matched and upheld them. But in truth, none of those things ever defined who I was, they were temporary experiences and behaviours that I was navigating through.

Whatever we follow ‘I am’ with tends to follow us - influencing how we think, feel and act. These two words are the most powerful ones we use, as they massively impact our behaviour and as a result, shape our whole experience.

Here’s how I’ve seen my own self-concept trip me up recently:

In May, my business, Dare to Live Coaching, turned 5 years old. Something pretty significant, and to be proud of… But I wasn’t.

I didn’t feel like celebrating or sharing it, I didn’t feel proud. To be very honest, I felt disappointed in myself for not being ‘further on’ (whatever that means). The last couple of years, I have found being in business very, very challenging at times. Over the years, so many things I have tried have not ‘worked’, there has been a lot of uncertainty, ups and downs, burnout, challenges and disappointment. I’ve been unsure if I could continue it, and I’ve struggled more than I’d like to admit.

And this week, I realised, part of this is because I actually haven’t fully assumed the identity of ‘business owner’ or entrepreneur.

I am a Coach. I see myself as a Coach. I started out to help people. I just wanted to make a difference. All I want to do is empower people and help eliminate their suffering as much as possible. Having my own business was never really the point or the goal.

And so, my identity has happily shifted from Coach to Speaker to Author to Workshop Facilitator to Energy Healer to Breathwork and Meditation Teacher, but even after 5 years running a business, I don’t see myself as a business person. I see myself as someone who is bad at business, yes, but not a CEO, Boss, Founder or Business Owner.

And then I wonder why I struggle with the behavioural and practical aspects of the business!

This came to light this week when I was going to an Upskilling Training in Leadership and Marketing for Female Entrepreneurs. When I realised how I felt about the business turning 5, I could see something needed to shift and I started looking at what resources were available to me to try to reach more people and improve what I’m doing.

On a day when I was feeling more positive about things, I applied for this training, seeing it as an opportunity to network, learn and grow. Then as the date loomed closer, I panicked a little. I told myself, I don’t like networking. I don’t want to talk to people. They’ll all be ‘real’ business people.

It feels uncomfortable to say, (but I’m working on embracing vulnerability), but I felt like a child going in to a room of adults and pretending to be one of them. I didn’t feel like I belonged in a room of entrepreneurs. I felt like I wasn’t successful enough.

And when I noticed these thoughts, I could see the comparison, the lack of confidence, the assumptions and the gap in my self-concept.

In the whole time I’ve been in business, I haven’t really seen myself as being in business.

And as a result, when I talk about it, I downplay it, because I don’t see the business side as going well. Do my clients get incredible results? Yes absolutely. But do I know how to plan or strategise? Nope, not really. So I have seen myself as unsuccessful at business.

The day before the event, I was trying to think of excuses not to go. But I had committed and I couldn’t think of a good reason to opt out.

The morning of it, I was nervous and still trying to come up with something to get me out of it, but annoyingly, nothing came.

When I arrived, I shakily signed in, with something somewhat resembling a signature and I took a seat. And breathed. And settled into a room of fellow entrepreneurs.

I introduced myself, and realised I belonged there just as much as anyone else. I am a business owner. I am a Coach and Human first, but yes, I own a business. I started it myself. It exists. It started existing in 2020 and it still does now.

And as I sat there, learning about leadership and considering how to lead myself, I felt a shift. The shift was in my self-concept.

It became so clear that I’ve been half-in on the business thing - I haven’t fully stepped into the identity of it, I wasn’t owning who I needed to be to actually succeed at what I’m doing. ‘Coach’ was easy, because I know that’s what I’m here to do, in the various forms it takes. And while I find the business aspects less natural, I am still doing them. I am in charge. I have created all of this.

It’s mad, I’ve spent so long trying to “get better” at business without fully admitting to myself that I’m in business. That I run one. That I am a business owner. And it’s no wonder it’s felt like pushing a boulder uphill - I’ve been trying to move forward without ever truly standing in the role.

It’s like wanting to be successful at playing piano without ever seeing yourself as a musician. The moment that identity shifts, the moment practising becomes an obvious action to take - it’s what musicians do - creating is a natural next step, and ultimately sharing or performing feels inevitable.

So now, I’m asking myself:

What would it look like to fully own this identity each day? Not just in title, but in thought, in energy, in action?

When I see myself as a successful business owner, who am I being? What am I doing?

How do I respond to challenges? How do I show up when things don’t ‘work’?

And maybe you'd like to ask yourself too:

• Who are you not allowing yourself to be - simply because the label feels too big, too bold, or too unfamiliar? And what might shift if you did?

• Is there an identity you're resisting - one that could support the version of you you aspire to become?

• What identity are you clinging onto, that no longer represents who you truly are?

Here’s to the courage of becoming - and to owning the truth of who we already are.

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below, and thank you for reading.

Grá mór,

Yvonne

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash